Wanna read mah storayyy?

[rgendron02]

Alrighty, so I'm taking this fictional writing course, and thrown together two stories so far. Since I blame CM for my writing skills, and figure this is a story-sharing community, I figured I should throw them up here in case you wanted to take a look.

I'll put the first one here first. They're both simple 5-pagers. Hope you enjoy! I'll post the other one later on or something.


Corn and Beans Night

Daniel cursed the humidity as he dragged himself up the driveway of 113 Nectar Road. Despite being just two weeks from his seventieth birthday, Daniel was never one to stay indoors, even when the weathermen deemed the heat “dangerous”. On steamy days like this, doorbells always seem further away. It was painfully humid, and Daniel’s torn sweatpants stuck to his thin, aged legs. One pant-leg was slightly torn; while the other pant-leg was mostly present with just a few holes. As he trudged through the neighborhood, the bottoms of his feet sizzled on the scorching blacktop. He ambled with an elderly limp earned not from injury, but instead from walking more than anyone his age should. He was almost grateful for the occasional gust of wind that offered some relief from the sun, but it seemed as if once the wind faded, the sunburns on his scrawny arms intensified. Yet despite all this physical anguish, Daniel had a strong will, and was determined to find a meal and a place to sleep.

Quite fatigued and breathing heavily, Daniel finally reached the front door of the house. As his glazed gray eyes skimmed the house, he was not very surprised at what he saw. It was a colonial house, white with black shutters, much like the others in this newly developed neighborhood. A neighborhood where everyone’s the same, Daniel thought to himself. He rang the doorbell and awaited the inevitable.
The door swung open, and a broad-shouldered man filled the doorway. Daniel’s eyes evaluated the man’s white dress shirt and striped red tie as the man tried to make sense of why Daniel’s raggedy self had just rung the doorbell. The man scanned Daniel’s bare feet and then narrowed his eyes in scrutiny, demanding of Daniel, “What do you want?”

Daniel considered the man’s tone a bit harsh, but responded calmly. “I am hungry, and need a place to stay the night.”

As Daniel spoke, a toddler dressed in pink overalls waddled to the doorway and hugged her father’s leg. She twinkled her bright blue eyes at Daniel with innocence that Daniel admired. Daniel felt a brief instant of satisfaction as the little girl beamed at him, but the moment was interrupted by a harsh return to reality.

“Hit the road, Jack” was all Daniel heard before the door was slammed in his face. As usual, Daniel had no chance to correct the man of his name. People rarely asked, and even fewer cared. To most people, especially in affluent neighborhoods like this one, Daniel was just an old beggar out to leech off the success of others. Why should they be responsible for him?

But Daniel was steadfast in his hunt for a place to sleep. He had searched all day, and did not intend on stopping now. Burdened by the humidity, he aimed his path toward the bright yellow house a few hundred yards down the road. Even from afar, the dazzling flowers and the front yard’s decorative landscape caught his eye. Certainly maintained by underpaid laborers, Daniel thought as he dragged his tired body toward the house. 153 Nectar Road, he acknowledged in his mind, hoping it’d be his last stop.

His feet landed unevenly on the cobblestone walkway that led to the front door. “If the heat wasn’t enough, I can’t even get a flat walkway”, he thought as he reached the front steps. He used the railing to haul himself up to the front door, and pressed his bony thumb to the doorbell. Immediately, he heard the scamper of feet headed to the front door. High heels, he recognized with weariness. High heels were never a good sound for Daniel.

The front door flew open with unnecessary speed, and a frazzled woman burst through the doorway. Without even a pause, she chirped at her cell phone at an incredible pace. Daniel couldn’t keep up with her voice, and simply awaited her attention. With his private sense of humor, Daniel compared his tattered clothes to the woman’s stylish red dress, tight fitting and not very modest. Her matching red stilettos added a full two inches to her already tall figure. Daniel eventually realized that in the midst of whatever she was talking about, she was completely unaware of his presence. After a quiet gulp, Daniel cleared his throat a bit. He caught her attention, and mid-sentence she asked, “Are you selling something?” Her voice trailed somewhat when she noticed Daniel’s scruffy appearance and elderly slump.
But with dignified composure, Daniel responded calmly “All I seek is a meal and a place to sleep.”

Probably unsure of how to address the old man, the woman hesitated briefly. When she regained herself, her words were not very convincing. “I’m just about to head out. But there’s a shelter somewhere in the town over.”

With a faint grin Daniel told the woman he’d head that way and turned back to the road. I’ll drive right over there, Daniel thought with a twist of sarcasm and humor. It seemed to Daniel that people felt better about themselves when they deferred problems to someone else. In her eyes, Daniel was a problem. There are people to deal with homeless old men, why should she?

Daniel was done with Nectar Road. Daniel smirked at the irony of the street name as he veered his path right onto a dead-end road that didn’t even have a street sign. This road seemed to be separate from the newer neighborhood as the houses looked much older and noticeably unkept. The first house he aimed toward was probably a bright shade of blue when new, but from the looks of it, had never been painted since. The faded and chipped paint were an accurate portrayal of Daniel’s own appearance, he thought as he finally reached the front door. He reached out for the doorbell, but caught himself when he realized there was none. Instead, he rapped his bony knuckles on the door, which rattled at the force. Silence.

But Daniel waited. With a dry chuckle, Daniel figured he had nowhere else to go. Then slowly, the door opened. A petite woman emerged, apparently shocked at the brightness of outdoors. Daniel belatedly noticed that the shades of all the windows had been drawn down. By Daniel’s estimate the woman was close to fifty, although the deep lines on her forehead left him uncertain. As Daniel prepared his voice, his eyes were drawn to a terrible scar that ran vertical down the woman’s forehead. Politely focusing his gaze on her eyes, he voiced his simple request, “I’m looking for a place to stay the night.”

With a good-natured cackle, the woman responded with her scratchy voice, “Well I ain’t got much, but it’s better than nothin’.” She shuffled backward into her home and held the door open for Daniel. “I’m Nancy,” she added with a crooked smile.

Daniel’s eyes explored the three-room home discreetly as he thanked Nancy for her kindness. He was surprised at how bare the home was. He stood in her living room, which was furnished with two lawn chairs and a simple small table. An open doorway to his left revealed the woman’s bedroom, which consisted of a mattress and a neatly stacked pile of clothes which were laid on the floor. Toward the back right of the house Daniel noticed the small kitchen, which had a dented refrigerator and one wooden chair.

Blushing at her home, Nancy lied to Daniel with an apologetic tone “I just moved here…” Her voice trailed quietly, but Daniel returned a grateful smile that seemed to please the woman. She ambled to the kitchen and announced with her coarse voice, “You’re lucky. It’s corn and beans night.”

She told Daniel to make himself at home while she prepared the two cans of food. They gobbled their corn and beans in the living room, sitting on lawn chairs, and enjoying each others’ company. Long after supper, as the evening grew late, she directed Daniel to the one mattress in the house and told him to have a good night’s sleep. He knew he was to sleep on her bed, but did not want to insult her generosity by resisting. He knew he wasn’t sleeping there anyway.

He lay down, and waited for the woman to fall asleep. Once she did, he slipped his checkbook from the waist of his sweatpants. He carefully scribed each of the six figures in the amount box, and rested the check on the mattress. He carefully crept out of the house, and back onto the street.

The cool air of the evening was refreshing, and the stars appeared to be unusually bright during the walk home. Wall Street had given Daniel far more than he needed or even wanted, and unlike the residents of Nectar Road, he recognized that. Nancy had opened the doors of her home to Daniel’s problems, and with appreciation for her generosity, he did his best to help her with her own problems. With admiration and approval Daniel recognized that not once had Nancy complained of her disadvantages; instead she just offered all she had to the tired man who had knocked on her door.

Daniel reached his own house a half hour later. He removed his tattered clothing and laid it on his dresser. He would not need it again until next weekend.

As he laid his tired old body on his bed and closed his eyes, he exhaled with relief that there were still good people like Nancy in the world. As Daniel closed his eyes, he just hoped that he was one of them.

And if you have any advice or improvements, let me know. We're allowed revisions to boost our grades!

[Regal]

Wish I could read it but its too long.sorry

[Lucus]

I liked it. It was lacking in blue-haired characters however.

[TonyD]

I liked it. It's sweet and heartfelt

but....

(you knew this was coming)

in the first third I was already thinking "I can see where this is going, I hope it doesn't go there."

I'd change the end. Keep the meaning, but perhaps he could... I don't know...
while she's gone the next day he collects her meager possessions, piles them in a box, and sneaks out. She won't be seeing him again.

She can return to find that he's done her dishes, had her clothes mended and washed, etc. and moved on.

I think the sacrifice of a days effort is, in many ways, more meaningful than handing out money. Also, it fits well with the theme of "you can be generous even if you have almost nothing"

Not trying to be critical. It was well written, I cared about the characters, despite it being so short, Daniel really felt like a real person with real feelings.
Just that the plot is the same fairy story that we've been told so many times already. And that seems to be a cop-out when the rest was so finely crafted.

[rgendron02]

very legitimate criticism, tony. gracias.

[Isobel]

Personally I wouldn't touch the ending. I think it fitted beautifully with a lovely story.
And I'm almost ashamed to admit I'm so sentimental and soppy, it gave me goosebumps and a silly smile.